Purposeful Statements

the process

Every consultation begins with a conversation! There is no charge for this initial consultation.

Step 1: Send me a draft of your essay — see getting started for details. If getting started with your essay is a problem, see my list of hints to get yourself going. I will review your statement of purpose, assess its effectiveness, and call you to discuss the essay.

Step 2: If you continue our consultation the second phase involves a detailed editing of your essay. Within 72 hours of payment you will receive a revised draft of your statement of purpose with all suggested changes in MS-Word's 'Track Changes' highlighted format.

My editing is respectful and responsive. I do not ghost write. The essay is yours; it is about you and it must reflect you. In editing, I may advise you to remove distracting or unnecessary elements. I may encourage you to expand ideas or add information that will show you to better advantage. I may suggest changes in wording and grammar. In the edited draft I will explain my suggestions and revisions to the text, and why I think they are advantageous.

Step 3: After you have reviewed my suggestions I will consult with you by telephone again. Our next conversation is important. I want to be sure that my suggestions and the changes you decide to adopt have been successfully incorporated in the essay. My aim is to help you to discover what you most want to say in your own voice. At the end of this consultation it is important that you have control of the statement's content.

An example of a Purposeful Statements consultation appears below:

First you will see a copy of the original essay submitted by a client.
Next (in italics) is my first response to the essay. These comments are similar to the initial exchange between us after I have reviewed your draft for the first time.
This is the second version of the student's essay based on my feedback and editorial suggestions.
These are my final observations (in italics) and the student's reply to my comments about his essay.

(From MBA application)
(One-page maximum) Describe your reasons for seeking admission to the Business Department and mention any related field or work experiences.
I can still remember the conversation with my parents shortly after graduating high school, "But there's a good business college not far away, why do you have to study music?" At the time I didn't think my reasoning even needed justification. Music was quite simply what I enjoyed doing. Besides, business majors had a reputation of being uncreative and boring, or so I thought. Of course in reality those stereotypes are seldom true, at lease in the businesses I've been involved with.

My experiences running a small business paint a very different picture than the one I rebelled against in my youth. In fact, maintaining a successful business in such a competitive atmosphere is not dull at all. On the contrary, it requires constant creative thought. For the last 11 years I've had the opportunity to manage one of San Francisco's oldest and most prestigious recording studios, a position that both satisfied my desire to work in the professional recording industry and introduced me to what running a business is really like. In the process I've found the challenge to be quite rewarding, but it hasn't been easy.

This is arguably one of the most tumultuous times in history for many professional recording studios. Technology has enabled any music fan to create a virtual project studio in their bedroom, dramatically reducing the number of local artists willing to spend money in a professional studio. To make matters worse, Internet piracy and the sharing of mp3s have dwindled major record label profits, eliminating the large budgets that were once the bread and butter for professional studios. For these reasons and others, many of our long-time competitors have gone out of business. We've been forced to rethink our business model and find ways to generate income that is not solely reliant on booking the studio. Fortunately our approach has paid off.

First, to make more efficient use of the space within our facility we analyzed its layout. Within our 10,000 sq' building we found many rooms that could be converted into rentable space for smaller businesses or individuals also involved in music. Gradually we began leasing these rooms, eliminating unnecessary lounges or storage space. We currently have a dozen rooms we're leasing in addition to the two 24 track studios that make up our business, each room now providing a small but steady stream of monthly income. We've also used alternative booking techniques to keep our studios busy. Rather than continuing to rely on a large number of clients working for short periods of time, we've focused on finding a few select independent engineers and/or small record labels that would benefit from having access to the studio a certain amount of days each month at discounted rates in exchange for a yearly lease. Our internship program helps keep overhead costs down while allowing beginning engineers to gain real world experience. We've even found great value in bartering studio time for services we otherwise couldn't afford.

These are just a few of many examples of how I've tried to adjust to the changing climate within our industry, but I know I can do better. I feel as though I've only begun to understand the many facets of business. Acceptance into the MBA program at XXX University would give me the education and confidence to expand on my abilities and to continue to cultivate businesses that I believe in.
The question you have been asked emphasizes the 'reasons' you want to attend business school and to 'mention' related work experiences. I like the examples you have chosen, but I can't find enough reasons to say without qualification that you have answered their question. If you dropped or shortened the 3rd paragraph you might be able to add something to the next paragraph (or add a paragraph) about the kind of skills in accounting or project management you think you could learn in an MBA program that would have helped you to solve the problems you did, successfully, solve.

This essay is about 575 words long. Could you (within the 1 page limit) use a smaller type size and squeeze a few more words onto the page, if need be? When I changed the type to an Arial 10 font it looked as if you had at least another 1/3 of a page to fill if you needed it!
I still remember the conversation with my parents shortly after I graduated from high school, "But there's a good business college not far away, why do you have to study music?" At the time I didn't think my reasoning even needed justification. Music was quite simply what I enjoyed doing. Besides, business majors had a reputation of being uncreative and boring, or so I thought. Of course in reality those stereotypes are seldom true, at least in the businesses I've been involved with.

My experiences running a small business paint a very different picture than the one I rebelled against in my youth. In fact, maintaining a successful business in the music industry is not dull at all. On the contrary, it requires constant creative thought. For the last 11 years I've had the opportunity to manage YYY, one of San Francisco's oldest and most prestigious recording studios, a position that both satisfied my desire to work in the professional recording industry and introduced me to what running a business is really like. In the process I've found the position to be both challenging and rewarding, but it hasn't been easy.

This is arguably one of the most tumultuous times in history for many professional recording studios. Many of our long-time competitors have recently gone out of business. We've been forced to rethink our business model and find ways to generate income that is not solely reliant on booking the studio. Fortunately our approach has paid off. First, to make more efficient use of the space within our facility we analyzed its layout. Within our 10,000 sq' building we found many rooms that could be converted into rentable space for smaller businesses or individuals also involved in music. Gradually we began leasing these rooms, eliminating unnecessary lounges or storage space. We currently have a dozen rooms we're leasing in addition to the two 24 track studios; each room provides a small but steady stream of monthly income. We've also used alternative booking techniques to keep our studios busy. Rather than continuing to rely on a large number of clients working for short periods of time, we've focused on finding a few select independent engineers and/or small record labels that would benefit from having access to the studio a certain number of days each month at discounted rates in exchange for a yearly lease. Our internship program helps keep overhead costs down while allowing beginning engineers to gain real world experience. We've even found great value in bartering studio time for services we otherwise couldn't afford.

Despite the knowledge and experience I've gained as the manager of Hyde Street Studios, my employment opportunities in other industries are limited by my lack of formal education in business. If I am to excel within the business community, a more thorough understanding of financial management, marketing, accounting and management strategies is necessary, all of which are at the core of the MBA program at XXX University. In addition, such a well-rounded education could only benefit the entrepreneur. Starting a business of my own is something I've long considered. Completion of this program would instill more confidence in my abilities to create and sustain my own business. I'm especially attracted to the emphasis the program places on ethics and social responsibility in the decision making process. Too often responsible decision making takes a back seat to unethical behavior, an unfortunate occurrence that has long term negative effects on societies' confidence in its business leaders.

Over the last year and a half I've taken half a dozen prerequisite courses anticipating this application and have maintained a GPA of 4.0, a reflection of my desire to pursue an MBA. Although I feel as though I've competently lead YYY through difficult times and have adjusted well to changing climates within our industry, I know I can do better. I've only begun to understand the many facets of business. Acceptance into the MBA program at XXX University would give me the education and confidence to develop and expand my abilities to cultivate businesses that I believe in.
This is the final version of the student's essay that incorporates proposed structural and textual changes that have tightened the essay and eliminated grammatical problems. He has incorporated suggestions made in the first round of editing, but more importantly, he has added two paragraphs to his statement of purpose that include his accomplishments and analytic skills. These changes made this a more concrete and colorful essay.

The student gained admission to the school of choice. This is his final note to me:

"Thank you for the excellent suggestions on my letter to grad school. I've tried to take them into consideration with this revised version. I edited much of the 3rd paragraph and combined it with the 4th, then created another paragraph addressing the reasons I'd like to attend."